Inner thoughts from inner voices

Time seems to be moving faster these days.

My now-innocuous wedding band is loose on my middle finger – this was never possible even on my ring finger when I was married. I couldn’t wear my wedding band because it was too tight and would cause my finger to gradually go numb.

Every day that I wear this ring is a promise to myself that I am worth the effort I put in. I have issues that I need to address. While not exhaustive, here’s a starter list:

  1. Over-eating – WHY
  2. Chronic Pain
  3. Weight Loss
  4. Acceptance of myself as a non-worthless person (Adult child of a Narcissistic Parent)
  5. Acceptance of myself as a damaged child (Childhood Sexual Abuse from a step-sibling)
  6. Acceptance of myself as a whole person (Marriage destroyed by lies and neglect)

 

Each of the points above also corresponds to a voice in my head. An example is when I decide to post a ‘selfie’ on a day I’m feeling good. Here’s how the voices would correspond.

  1. You’re so fat
  2. You’re fat
  3. Oh god, I really need to lose weight
  4. You think people care about your shitty picture? Get over yourself. No one gives a shit about you.
  5. Fuck it.
  6. Posting any picture is a risk. How can I feel safe again?

I imagine that this insight into my thought process isn’t all that unique. I’m sure it wouldn’t surprise you to know that these voices are loud and contribute heavily in my daily struggle with depression.

I’m tired of hiding from myself.

After all, time starts moving faster. None of us are getting out alive, so what am I waiting for?

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