253lbs even after the week I’ve had!

I couldn’t believe it after the week that went into the toilet very quickly, but recovered very nicely…except in the calories department.

As you know from the warnings on this website, I have suffered from childhood abuse of varying kinds, but never suffered from a violent substance abusing parent (thank my lucky stars!)

I really despise the term trigger when it comes to mental health issues, so lets go with spark. I was sparked this week and it burned something fierce!

Lets face it, things burn in you until you either explode or you burn to ashes, right? Right?

Oh, that isn’t normal.

So my spark that sent me into a binge fest of indulgence was an accusation that I was doing something wrong, as in immoral. I knew beyond a doubt that I had permission to be where I was and to pick up the items that I was supposed to.

Instead, I backed down and became the 7 year old me who was too afraid to stand up for herself. I left immediately and cried my heart out.

I knew that I was right, so why didn’t I say anything?

As a child of abuse, you learn quickly that no one values anything you say, only what you do. Be quiet, rub my feet, do the dishes, watch your sister. I reconnected with the core belief that I am worthless even though I know beyond a doubt that my core beliefs are wrong.

In growing up, the various accusations that were coming my way weren’t usually my fault but no one would listen; there’s only so much you can cry the truth in the cramped corner you’ve been ordered to before you give up on the thought of self-worth.

The details are in the past, but what isn’t is my reaction to this situation.

This sent me into a spiral of depression, a lot lower than I’ve gone in a long time. The thought of self-harm entered into my mind. I was back to my thoughts of worthlessness – why couldn’t I shake them?

The answer has been on my shelf for two years: Home Coming (Reclaiming and Championing Your Inner Child) by John Bradshaw. It sounds hokey, but it’s making a LOT of sense in coping with the damage from what has been done.

I’m still carrying aroung that damaged little girl whose heart breaks for everyone. That little girl isn’t me anymore and I have the choice not to live in the past.

So, a lot of emotional work was done over a stupid miunderstanding which also gave me the excuse to binge on chocolate.

+THOUSANDS OF CALORIES

Next up is a party a couple days after and I had beers, wine, sprite, burgers, chips…Indulging myself never tasted so good. While I needed to unwind and I really enjoyed the good ‘ol college experience, I doubt I’m doing that again any time soon.

+THOUSANDS OF CALORIES

Out with friends for a lot of meals, trying to make healthy food choices but still probably failing.

+HUNDREDS OF CALORIES EXTRA!

I also skipped the gym for 4 days in a row.

I’m convinced I’ve gained weight, I’m convinced I feel gross.

I went to the doctor’s office today and I’m 253lbs. 2lbs lighter than my last weigh in.

 

I’ve been very lucky and I completely understand that; imagine how much I would have lost if I hadn’t indulged!

What do you do when you find that you’ve fallen off the horse?

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