Health at every size is a lie

Rebecca Northcott Photograph
Me at 272lbs

I was editing my photo gallery on my sparkpeople page and I came across this lovely photo by Rebecca Northcott. She’s an incredible photographer who helped me to feel comfortable in my own skin while in front of the camera. (She also owns this photo!)

Either way, that’s not the point of this; so many things run through my mind when I look at this picture now:

  • I was not healthy at all (due to financial, emotional, physical reasons; some of these are excuses and some are not)
  • I was not happy with my weight
  • I wanted to cover my arms
  • I was not aware at the time that I looked that way from behind
  • I wasn’t honest about my food intake (sneaking chocolate, sweets, etc)
  • I gained weight after this photo and I lost more weight since then

I guess my definition of good health might be different from yours. I have a widespread chronic pain disease that makes my skin feel like it’s burning, my entire body aches, and moving any joint makes me hiss in pain. All in all, it sucks.

I have no idea what it would be like to be me and be healthy.

Throughout the years, my blood work has been taken an average of monthly and my blood pressure has been a bit low, even. In recent years, it’s been tracked by multiple physicians due to my medication and it’s always been great.

Does this mean that I’m healthy? Definitely not.

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I accepted that I was just a ‘wide’ person. WRONG!

I live in pain everyday; I don’t get breaks from it. What I never understood was that I needed to address the mental health issues and accept some harsh truths about myself before I could learn what being healthy was.

You can accept and convince yourself all you want, but if you’re unhappy, then you’re lying to yourself.

Be honest about what you put into your body. Figure out why you eat shamefully in your car, or stash chocolate bars under your bed. For me, it was donuts on the subway.

Why do you eat the way you do?

Some truths that I didn’t want to accept:

  • I can no longer use my pain as an excuse because I know that physical activity helps to lessen it –  It takes me around 20 minutes of excruciating pain on the elliptical to get to the point where my body has a tiny amount of relief. It’s completely worth it. The first time, I was terrified to try!
  • I’m a binge eater and I can control it – It’s not easy, but being aware and understanding my own desires to lose weight helped me to not binge as often. It still happens sometimes (CEREAL!).
  • CICO works – Calories in, Calories out. My fitbit helped me to understand this since it tracks my calories even while resting. It’s really neat to see how many calories that I have left before I’m over my limit for the day.
  • I am not big boned – My mother always used to say we were just big boned. I believed it my whole life but it was just another excuse. I’m tall, yes. I can’t help that but I’m not ‘wide’. I’m fat and unhealthy. Mentally, emotionally, physically, and spiritually.
  • I’ve been lying to myself my entire life – There is no special pass that allows me to do whatever I want without consequences. Eating a box of oreos to fill an emotional hole is doing nothing but harm by making the situation worse.
  • Many of my issues with food stemmed from childhood domestic abuse – In dealing with my childhood abuse, I was finally able to recognize that my relationship with food was toxic. Perspective is everything.

Perspective is everything and health at every size is a lie.

If you convince yourself that you’re healthy, then ask yourself: why do you feel shame when you eat?


This article is mostly for my own use. Whenever I’m feeling uncertain or I’m thinking about binge eating, I’m going to read this instead and face the truth of my own life.

People deal with all sorts of different issues when it comes to physical health. I really hope that if someone does read this, that they can find some help in the process that I’m going through now.

Toodles.

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