I’ve always had a terrible relationship with food; one that left me eating donuts and feeling shame. It was like a tear inside of myself that was trying to heal but I was stuffing it (and my face) with food instead.
On top of that, my white blood cells began to elevate because my body could no longer handle the stress I was under. This was the conclusion of many appointments with multiple doctors; stress is very real and very deadly. But I didn’t live a stressful life and I had no infections or health issues that would warrant this type of reaction.
I tried everything to get my cell count down, but it ended up being twice as high by the following monthly check-up. All the self-care in the world couldn’t help me to do what I needed to do.
By the third month, my cell count was still elevating and that’s when my doctor told me to read Invincible by Brian F Martin. It took me a month to get through it, but I processed so much that I was finally able to let go of the stress.
What I didn’t realize was that I was living in survival-mode leftover from my childhood. I never stopped expecting someone to abuse me or abandon me even into my late twenties. I didn’t know that there was any other way to survive. I needed to realize that I was safe.
So are my Oreos. I don’t have to hoard or binge eat sweets to keep them from being taken away from me by my siblings. By processing my childhood abuse, I was able to finally address my relationship with food.
I realized that I can enjoy sweets in small doses because no one is going to take them from me or shame me for enjoying them.
I can budget calories for a treat (yeah – that’s how far I’ve come!) and know that I’m still working towards my goals.
I was 284 when I began on this journey in February. I’m down to 264.
I need to get to 158, which is the perfect BMI for my height. For now, I’ll accept under 250lbs as my short term goal.
Lets do this!